Sitting on the world’s comfiest loveseat in the world’s coziest living room on the best street in Spain, I’m nestled between the cushion on my left and Nate’s crossed legs on my right. The roman blinds are up, the window is cracked open, and the sunlight is doing its thing for the clothes Nate just hung on the drying rack. The rug in the center of the room is a raggedy Aztec-like print with yellows, blues and orange: a little ugly, but a perfect complement to the floor-to-ceiling bookcase lining the whole right side of the room. I’d say sixty-five percent of the books belong to the landlord, and the rest are Nate’s. I was surprised to learn that he had them shipped from Dubai when he moved: he didn’t strike me as a reader, much less as the kind of person who’s favorite reads include “The Untethered Soul” and “The Artist’s Way”.

We met on an app in mid-April and texted on and off. I can classify my experience on apps into three large buckets (and welcome anyone who’d like to help me label each):

• consistent in-app chat > plan date over text > drinks > thank you > goodbye
• in-app chat > date > never-ending situationship OR fling
• on/off in-app chat > one of us does not reply after some time OR they suggest drinks > end conversation
• bad starter line > sit in queue forever

Nate briefly belonged to the third category, but ultimately landed in a flavor of the second. I was embarrassed when he first suggested Friday night drinks because it lowkey meant confessing that I didn’t have plans. I obviously swallowed my pride and said yes before I eventually found my way to his couch a few dates later.

Couch was great and Nate was great. Not great? Leaving.

That Sunday afternoon we were unpacking past relationships and experiences bla bla bla. He asked me if my first was “puppy love”. I didn’t know what that meant. Slightly offended bla bla bla.

Nearly two years of no contact later and bla bla bla Maria brings him up in our last session. I shrieked, drawing attention from people around me as I sat in the fishbowl call room. Why would you bring him up when I’m telling you about a completely different situation? I hated it took nearly twice as long as we even talked to really let go – doubts – the irritating reality of all the silly things they say about how stuff works – trading emotions for elevated emotions – the things you tell yourself when – the appreciation and gratitude.

puppy love is not just limited to “early childhood and adolescence”. dating flings etc opps to learn. also cringe, cool to be able to lean into that and give a younger version of yourself a little more grace because wow how dope that you’ve come all this way bla bla bla

rose tinted glasses, infatuation, lack of experience
* living in your head versus acting on it?
* build experience, learn what you want/don’t or what works/doesn’t, appreciate the human / exploring / the experience and connection and your journey

Pero bueno, al final there’s still care, appreciation and gratitude for Nate: how lucky am I to have known him, and how lucky are the people who get to be in his little orbit? Also, how lucky was he to know me? Not sure where Nate’s at today, but I hope he’s happy and healthy. And that he’s not still blindly biting right into bagels.